Oh that AT&T...

Well, on Friday, I got a call from a Rep at AT&T. He offered me a really terrific deal. Changing my Static IP to a Dynamic IP and upgrading my speed to just under 6K. For no extra money. I was astonished.

No gimmicks, nothing. As many of you know the problems I've had with AT&T.

So this morning I logged on and nothing. NADA, Nothing. I wondered. The Rep said I'd receive a letter advising me of the change. NADA.

So after trying a couple rounds of reconfiguring both the PC and the MAC, I gave them a call. It seemed they changed over to the DHCP this morning. All without telling me.

Well, you know how it goes. You can either talk to the PC guy or the MAC guy, or the Networking guy and on and on. I opted for the easier and went with the PC guy, Steve. After a wee bit of configuration. (He kept asking me if I was in an IT department somewhere because I seemed to know a lot. I told him no.) we fixed it.

I told him I could handle reconfiguring my MAC and the Airport and Airport Extreme's. He was surprisingly astonished. Anyway, around 2 I was up and running in just about 2 hours.

I sure wish they would let us know when they are doing something.

Death 101

Sometimes it’s just too hard to face the reality of death. I think we instinctively, ultimately know, but just can’t bring ourselves to accept it. I think it’s our nature. It’s a very difficult thing, letting go. But it is something we must do to be at peace with ourselves. And each and every one of our processes is different.

For some of us, it’s easy. Others, it takes time. We must literally watch with our own eyes the physical deterioration in our loved ones. Sad as it may be, we can’t bring ourselves to give up hope. Hope there can be an answer from a doctor telling us just how much time we have. Hope that someone can tell us when our loved one will go and, of course, hope that it doesn’t happen.

While trying not to be pessimistic, I have always felt our loved ones won’t go until we are ready to let them go. For whatever reason, we must be mentally and emotionally ready. It’s almost like giving them permission to be at peace, which in turn comes from us being at peace with ourselves enough to give that permission.

People who are dying hold on for many different reasons. Maybe a daughter has some forgiving to do. Maybe a son needs to say thank you. Maybe a mother needs to tell her children, no matter what, she’ll always be with them. A variety of different reasons as is a variety of different circumstances.

In my world, I do know, well at least hope that in the next life we’ll see and feel their love again. I know I continue to feel the love of my loved ones who have passed in many different ways at least once a day.

The Last Night of the World

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGmqX8EAvrw

No more Chemo...

On September 21st, my mother's oncologist is going to tell her he is ending treatment and that as far as he can tell, the two courses of chemo and one course of Radiation has done little, if anything to quell the cancer

Quite a conversation it will be, I'm sure. This will be a stark reality picture.

As I previously mentioned pain, I didn't discuss a broken heart, which is what I feel. Only to have known my mother for 8 short years. It tells me to act on my thoughts and dreams while there is time. Live each day like it's the last night of the world.

This morning I awoke thinking about the song, "The Last Night of the World", from the Broadway Musical, Miss Saigon.

...like a lonely saxophone. Here's a You Tube link.

Pain

Pain, different meanings to different people. Some of us can tolerate a lot of it some of us can tolerate little. There is no set determination of what level each of us feel.

I know, with my prescribed intake of pain medication, I run about a 4.5. (1-10 being what medical professionals deems to be a scale in which they can equally comprehend with the patient.) My father, who wouldn’t dream of taking an aspirin for a headache runs at about a 1. But my dear mother, who is living with lung cancer, must be at about a 9. Taking 40mg Oxycontin, as well as Percocet’s and coming off of a Fentanyl patch, the pain of cancer infiltrating her body must be unbearable. Mentally and physically.

After having numerous back surgeries, I know how it is when you just can’t get comfortable. When any position feels wrong. When the touch of a gentle hand resounds through you’re body like nothing you’ve ever felt.

For me, the worst physical pain I ever experienced was my Kidney Stones. Every little bump in the car on the way to the hospital resounded like screeching fingers along a chalkboard and knives being hurled into my kidney region. This, of course, was a pain I hadn’t been prepared for. Later on, luckily, with my neck and back pain, I was desensitized prior to the imitation of such anguish.

While I think I’ve have more than my fair share of pain in my life, I can’t help but feel so helpless when my mother must endure this agony.

God Bless Demaral!

A Surprise Visitor

So yesterday afternoon, around 4pm, my father told me someone was at the front door asking for me. I wasn't expecting anyone and I knew it must be someone respectable because all my trashy friends use the side door.

I opened the door and there she was. Politely, I asked who she was. It was Judith. My birthmother's high school girlfriend when she was pregnant living in Tuolumne. I hadn't spoken to her is a couple years. I invited her in. Introduced her to my father and we sat down at the dining room table and had a lovely visit. (Luckily, on Sunday, I made an Apple Upside Down cake, so I cut some slices and brewed some tea.

It seems she had driven from Carson City over the "harrowing" Sonora Pass and was on her way to visit her brother in Oakdale. She had swung by Tuolumne looking for her old "homestead".

I was a very pleasant visit. I had felt Judith held me hostage a couple of years ago by not telling me the location of her "homestead". Apparently, she didn't know as it never had an address.

We talked of LindaMom and my visit in May and before I knew it, she was off.

An unlikely, but pleasant visit on a Tuesday. Thank God for upside down apples on Sunday.

Sundays , Sunday

I still hate Sundays. I think it stems from me as a child, an only child. No one is ever around, or at least around me. I always feel self-defeating, never get any thing done and am completely lethargic.

Somehow, I must get over it.

I also think that the reason people get married (or involved) with other people later in life is because no one wants to be alone. It's quite tragic, really.

Just the thought of someone to curl up in bed with, to talk to about current events or even non-current wouldn't be bad. I don't know.

The isolationism of this county has apparently gotten to me. There is no one here. At least no one I can find. Without obvious looking.

I guess this is just my lot in life. I had way too much fun when I was younger that I am paying for it now. Period, end of story.

Life alone at the age of 49.