Cancer! Shh!

It's so hard. No one wants to give up. We are taught to fight the good fight no matter what. But when it's terminal somehow things get complicated.

If I had the choice of a sudden heart attack or massive cardiac failure (similar to Michael Jackson) I'd take it. But to lay in a bed, anguished with pain, having to try to keep up that good face I've always had, I don't know if I could do it.

I think I'd choose to promote cardiac arrest or something similar. I definitely wouldn't want more chemo or radiation after just coming off a series of treatments. That's too painful. It would be a terrible flaw in me to admit that as well.

I've always taken care of people, been in control. Been the "strong one". For my friends to see me in this situation of everything being beyond my control and really just having to let be what will be would tear me up. I'd be angry, very angry. I think the thought of things being beyond my control would devastate me. "What would people think of me?"

While all of the above are real thoughts, until we accept ourselves, our fate and everything that is today, we can't be at peace.

Some feel that the way we die is representative of the way we live. Karma- the thought that if we participate in the cause, it is not possible for us not to participate in the effect. In this most profound way, we are held responsible for our every action, thought and feeling, which is to say, for our every intention. I'm not sure that Karma is such a personal thing, but rather a manifestation of a cause - an outcome. Maybe Karma is much more cosmic that we ever imagined. This thought in itself takes such a weight off of our heart. It enables up to live a "five sensory perceptive" life.

Yes, this post is about my mother. As she walks in denial today, as her life is "beyond her contol" and she desperately reaches for anything that would give her control back. I can only have empathy of the mental and physical pain she must be in. Cancer, shh! It is evil and no one wants to die from cancer.